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Roll up, roll up for Gwyneth Paltrow's great London Goop summit

Need your wallet cleaned out next week? In Goop Health will be only too happy to help

It is always instructive to hear from turbocapitalist fanny-steamer magnate Gwyneth Paltrow, whether it be about the desirability of $956 bog roll or the dream of a zero-carb economy. But next week promises to be a particularly special time for the UK, as madam’s wellness summit comes to London.

The event is called In Goop Health, but is specifically billed as a summit. Cost? £1,000 for a day ticket, or £4,500 for the weekend, which includes a two-night hotel stay. I don’t think your wallet would ever have felt cleaner. Or, indeed, more rinsed. If I had to pick the summit the Goop summit seems most like, I would probably go for Munich 1938. One party – the customer – is going to come away imagining they’ve got something worthwhile out of it, while the other party – a madly revanchist would-be empire – is going to be laughing all the way to the central bank. “Did you have a good time, Neville?” “Yes! I hold in my hand a £27 Psychic Vampire Repellent. It says here that you simply ‘spray around the aura to protect from psychic attack and emotional harm’.”

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